第十四章（第5/19页）

“你或许是对的。回到特弗沙尔是个愚蠢的决定。但我当时走投无路，总要找个容身之所。堂堂男子汉总不能四处流浪。但你说得没错。我会去办理离婚，跟她做个了断。我对那种事深恶痛绝，政府官员啦，法庭啦，法官啦……可我还是会完成这项使命。去把婚离了。”康妮眼见他紧咬牙关。内心禁不住狂喜。“我现在想来杯茶。”她说。他站起来为她沏茶。但脸上的表情依然坚决。两人在桌边落座，她问他：“你为何会娶她？她根本配不上你。博尔顿太太跟我讲过她的事。她弄不懂你干嘛要娶她。”他目光不错地看着她。

"I'll tell you," he said. "The first girl I had, I began with when I was sixteen. She was a school-master's daughter over at Ollerton, pretty, beautiful really. I was supposed to be a clever sort of young fellow from Sheffield Grammar School, with a bit of French and German, very much up aloft. She was the romantic sort that hated commonness. She egged me on to poetry and reading: in a way, she made a man of me. I read and I thought like a house on fire, for her. And I was a clerk in Butterley offices, thin, white-faced fellow fuming with all the things I read. And about EVERYTHING I talked to her: but everything. We talked ourselves into Persepolis and Timbuctoo. We were the most literary-cultured couple in ten counties. I held forth with rapture to her, positively with rapture. I simply went up in smoke. And she adored me. The serpent in the grass was sex. She somehow didn't have any; at least, not where it's supposed to be. I got thinner and crazier. Then I said we'd got to be lovers. I talked her into it, as usual. So she let me. I was excited, and she never wanted it. She just didn't want it. She adored me, she loved me to talk to her and kiss her: in that way she had a passion for me. But the other, she just didn't want. And there are lots of women like her. And it was just the other that I did want. So there we split. I was cruel, and left her. Then I took on with another girl, a teacher, who had made a scandal by carrying on with a married man and driving him nearly out of his mind. She was a soft, white-skinned, soft sort of a woman, older than me, and played the fiddle. And she was a demon. She loved everything about love, except the sex. Clinging, caressing, creeping into you in every way: but if you forced her to the sex itself, she just ground her teeth and sent out hate. I forced her to it, and she could simply numb me with hate because of it. So I was balked again. I loathed all that. I wanted a woman who wanted me, and wanted IT.

“我会原原本本地跟你讲。”他说。“我初恋时只有16岁。她父亲是位奥勒顿某间学校的校长，她长相很标致，甚至可以算是美女。当时我刚从谢菲尔德语法学校毕业，对法语和德语稍有涉猎，大家都认为我年轻有为，而我也自视甚高。她天性浪漫，厌倦庸庸碌碌的生活。她鼓励我努力读书，钻研诗歌，从某种程度来讲，是她造就了今天的我。为了她，我发奋读书，全心投入。当时我在巴特利事务所任职，身材瘦削，面容白皙，沉浸在自己阅读的作品中。我俩无话不谈。从波斯古城波利波利斯，聊到西非名城廷巴克图。十乡八镇再也找不出我们这样文学素养高深的情侣。我跟她交谈起来，总是滔滔不绝，欣喜若狂，绝对是如痴如醉。我简直飘飘欲仙了。她对我崇拜得五体投地。但隐藏在草丛中的毒蛇是性爱。她算不上性感，至少并非前凸后翘。我日益消瘦，日渐疯狂。后来我对她说，我们应该成为情人。像以往一样，我顺利地说服了她。于是，她委身于我。我兴奋异常，她却意兴阑珊。她觉得性事索然无味。她仰慕我，喜欢听我说东道西，喜欢我吻她，如此说来，她深爱着我。但除此之外，她却没有半点兴趣。像她这样的女人不在少数。但令我向往的恰恰是其他的事情。因此，我俩之间产生了裂痕。我残忍地抛弃了她。之后，我搞上另外一个女孩，是位教师，曾有过一段风流韵事，跟个有妇之夫纠缠不清，差点把那个男人逼疯。她性情温柔，皮肤白嫩，年纪比我大，还会拉小提琴。她简直是个妖精。恋爱的种种，她都情有独钟，只是对性事敬而远之。拥抱，爱抚，想尽方法跟你调情，但若要强行与她做爱，她就会咬碎银牙，出离愤怒。我逼她成其好事，而她那厌恶的表情让我兴致全消。于是，这段恋情再度告终。我讨厌这种有情无性的关系。我要的是既能接纳我，又乐于性事的女人。”