第十九章（第14/16页）

I'm sure you're sick of all this. But I don't want to harp on myself, and I've nothing happening to me. I don't like to think too much about you, in my head, that only makes a mess of us both. But, of course, what I live for now is for you and me to live together. I'm frightened, really. I feel the devil in the air, and he'll try to get us. Or not the devil, Mammon: which I think, after all, is only the masswill of people, wanting money and hating life. Anyhow, I feel great grasping white hands in the air, wanting to get hold of the throat of anybody who tries to live, to live beyond money, and squeeze the life out. There's a bad time coming. There's a bad time coming, boys, there's a bad time coming! If things go on as they are, there's nothing lies in the future but death and destruction, for these industrial masses. I feel my inside turn to water sometimes, and there you are, going to have a child by me. But never mind. All the bad times that ever have been, haven't been able to blow the crocus out: not even the love of women. So they won't be able to blow out my wanting you, nor the little glow there is between you and me. We'll be together next year. And though I'm frightened, I believe in your being with me. A man has to fend and fettle for the best, and then trust in something beyond himself. You can't insure against the future, except by really believing in the best bit of you, and in the power beyond it. So I believe in the little flame between us. For me now, it's the only thing in the world. I've got no friends, not inward friends. Only you. And now the little flame is all I care about in my life. There's the baby, but that is a side issue. It's my Pentecost, the forked flame between me and you. The old Pentecost isn't quite right. Me and God is a bit uppish, somehow. But the little forked flame between me and you: there you are! That's what I abide by, and will abide by, Cliffords and Berthas, colliery companies and governments and the moneymass of people all notwithstanding.

想必你早已厌倦了世事的丑态。可我不愿喋喋不休地唠叨自己的事，再说也没有什么值得提及。我不愿对你朝思暮想，因为那只会让彼此更加烦忧。但我现在生存的意义就是希望能与你长相厮守，这一点毋庸置疑。说实话，我真的心怀畏惧。我感觉恶魔就在空中盘旋，随时都可能将你我攫住。或许作怪的并非恶魔，而只是贪欲，在我看来，只是人类追逐金钱、憎恶生命的群体意识在起作用。不知怎的，我总感觉空中有无数贪婪煞白的魔爪，想要扼住人们的喉咙，夺去他们的生命，而受害者则是那些热爱生活、渴望摆脱金钱束缚的人。厄运即将降临。厄运即将降临，小伙子们，厄运即将降临！长此以往，等待工业大众的，就只有死亡与毁灭。有时，我感觉自己的内心都在流泪，而你却甘愿为我诞下后代。不过没关系。过往的种种厄运都未能让灿烂的心灵之花凋零，更不会让女子的爱情之花衰败。因此，我心中对你的渴望不会泯灭，你我小小的爱情之光将会长明。来年我们便会重逢。虽然我心怀畏惧，但却始终坚信，你我将长相厮守，永不分离。男人必须经过独自打拼、追求完美的过程，才能相信有力所未逮的事情。必须真正坚信自己最佳的才智与潜在的天赋，才能给未来加上砝码。而我更对你我之间的爱火充满信心。对我而言，你我的爱是世间唯一有意义的事情。我没有朋友，没有心心相映的知己。有的只有你。如今，你我的爱情是我生命中唯一在乎的事情。孩子将会出生，但那只是爱情的副产品。你我之间熊熊的爱情火焰，对我而言无异于圣灵降临。旧日的圣灵降临已经不合时宜。我即是上帝，这种信念的确有些自傲。但你我之间熊熊的爱火，便是彼此最为珍视的东西！无论现在或者将来，我都会对爱情忠贞不渝，管他克利福德还是贝莎，煤场，政府还是满脑袋金钱的百姓，我都不会放在心上。