第十八章（第9/17页）

She was quite determined now that there should be no parting between him and her. But the ways and means were still to settle.

现在，她已铁了心，跟他永不离分。但采取怎样的方法还需考量。

"Did you hate Bertha Coutts?" she asked him.

“你恨贝莎·库茨吗？”她问他。

"Don't talk to me about her.” "Yes! You must let me. Because once you liked her. And once you were as intimate with her as you are with me. So you have to tell me. Isn't it rather terrible, when you've been intimate with her, to hate her so? Why is it?” "I don't know. She sort of kept her will ready against me, always, always: her ghastly female will: her freedom! A woman's ghastly freedom that ends in the most beastly bullying! Oh, she always kept her freedom against me, like vitriol in my face.” "But she's not free of you even now. Does she still love you?” "No, no! If she's not free of me, it's because she's got that mad rage, she must try to bully me.” "But she must have loved you." "No! Well, in specks she did. She was drawn to me. And I think even that she hated. She loved me in moments. But she always took it back, and started bullying. Her deepest desire was to bully me, and there was no altering her. Her will was wrong, from the first." "But perhaps she felt you didn't really love her, and she wanted to make you.” "My God, it was bloody making." "But you didn't really love her, did you? You did her that wrong.” "How could I? I began to. I began to love her. But somehow, she always ripped me up. No, don't let's talk of it. It was a doom, that was. And she was a doomed woman. This last time, I'd have shot her like I shoot a stoat, if I'd but been allowed: a raving, doomed thing in the shape of a woman! If only I could have shot her, and ended the whole misery! It ought to be allowed. When a woman gets absolutely possessed by her own will, her own will set against everything, then it's fearful, and she should be shot at last.” "And shouldn't men be shot at last, if they get possessed by their own will?” "Ay!—the same! But I must get free of her, or she'll be at me again. I wanted to tell you. I must get a divorce if I possibly can. So we must be careful. We mustn't really be seen together, you and I. I never, never could stand it if she came down on me and you.” Connie pondered this.

“别跟我提起她。”“不行！你得听我说。因为你曾经喜欢过她。曾经跟她亲密无间，就像现在跟我一样。所以，你得告诉我实话。憎恨昔日亲密的爱侣，这是不是有些可怕？原因又是什么呢？”“我不知道。她随时随地做好与我作对的准备，从头至尾，无时无刻，她那恐怖的女性意志，她任性胡为的脾气！女人可怕的自由意志最终会演变成为世间最残忍的行为！噢，她总是我行我素，处处跟我针锋相对，就像往我脸上泼硫酸。”“但即使是现在，她依然对你纠缠不休。难道她依然爱着你？”“不，不是那样！她对我纠缠不休，只是因为她怀有切齿的痛恨，誓要让我付出代价。”“可她肯定爱过你。”“不！哦，确实有过一点。她为我所吸引。我想就连这都已成为她忌恨的原因。她间或对我流露出爱意。但她总会将爱收回，然后开始折磨我。她最大的愿望就是折磨我，想要改变她完全是徒劳。她的初衷本就是错的。”“可或许她觉得你并未全身心地爱她，希望借此让你这样做。”“天呢，这种方式也太过分了。”“可你并未真正爱过她，不是吗？是你让她越陷越深。”“我又能怎样？起初我也想过。起初我也想要爱她。但不知为何，她总想将我撕成碎片。不，别提这些了。这就叫做在劫难逃。这女人就是我的灾星。这回就是明证，要是法律允许，我早就请她吃枪子儿了，就像对付白鼬一样。她满嘴疯话，简直像头化成人形的野兽。我早该一枪送她归西，就可以让这些倒霉事画上句号。干嘛阻止我这样做呢？女人要是完全被自我意志所支配，而这种意志又与一切为敌，这绝对是件可怕的事情，她最终的归宿就应该是饮弹而亡。”“要是换成男人，是否也应该是这种下场呢？”“是呀！——男人也一样！可我必须甩掉她，否则准会纠缠不放。我早想跟你说。只要有可能，我必须尽快离婚。因此，我们得倍加小心。我们在一起的时候，不能被旁人发现。如果她胆敢对你我胡言乱语，我绝不会放过这婆娘。”康妮考虑着他的话。